


Leave A Light On

by ellebeedarling



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Explicit Sexual Content, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, ambiguous ending, small bits of fluff and sweetness, very small
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-18
Updated: 2019-01-18
Packaged: 2019-10-12 08:26:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,559
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17464004
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ellebeedarling/pseuds/ellebeedarling
Summary: Shepard has gathered every resource he can; he's recruited every ally. Everything comes down to this final battle, and he knows in his heart that this may be the last night he ever gets to spend in Kaidan Alenko's arms.





	Leave A Light On

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from Midnight by Coldplay
> 
> **
> 
> Doing these big bangs is always so much fun! 
> 
> Thank you to [Th3morrigan](https://blasteddoodles.tumblr.com/) for her gorgeous artwork that inspired this story! It was such a joy working with you, and I think you have so much talent! <3
> 
> Thanks to my lovely beta [Shotce](https://shotce.tumblr.com/)! You're such a sweetheart for helping me out! Love you! 
> 
> And lastly, thanks to [azzydarling](http://azzydarling.tumblr.com/) for organizing these Big Bangs year after year!

 

_Beautiful artwork by[Th3morrigan!](https://blasteddoodles.tumblr.com/post/182289412348/my-entry-and-additional-art-for-this-years) _

 

* * *

 

 

 _In the darkness before the dawn_ _  
_ _In the swirling of the storm_ _  
_ _When I'm rolling with the punches and hope is gone_   
Leave a light, a light on

~Coldplay

 

* * *

 

Kaidan was asleep before their bodies had even stopped quivering. Residual spasms trembled through Shepard’s body, the pleasant after-quakes of mind-blowing sex.

 

Sweat coated both of them, and Shepard had barely managed to clean the mess of jizz off his stomach before Kaidan had curled around him and promptly passed out. While it wasn’t the most enjoyable feeling in the world, Shepard was simply too tired to care. Besides, moving meant rousing Kaidan, and that was one thing he flatly refused to do. With his head pillowed on Shepard’s chest, his heavy arm draped over Shepard’s midsection, Kaidan was exactly where Gabe wanted him to be.

 

This thing with Kaidan was still in the brand-spanking-new and exciting phase. The place where a little spunk and sweat were nothing to fret about, where holding the person you cared for close was more important than just about anything else in the world. Gabe had been there before, but it had never felt quite like this.

 

He’d always felt out of place. Coerced into a life and career he’d had no interest in by parents who’d been bound and determined that their only son should follow in their footsteps, Shepard had balked and bucked against all the expectations that had been set before him. He’d refused to go quietly and play along. He’d never been the kid who played well with others.

 

Somehow, in the unlikely arms of Kaidan Alenko, Shepard had finally found a place where he fit, where he could just be at peace and be himself. He’d never been the one to believe in happily ever afters or fairy tale romance, but that’s what he wanted with Kaidan.

 

He turned his head to press a tender kiss against his lover’s brow, then let out a deep sigh.

 

Kaidan stirred slightly, mumbled something unintelligible, then settled more firmly against Shepard’s side. The actions brought a smile to Gabe’s face and made his heart ache at the same time.

 

 _Why now_ , he couldn’t help wondering.

 

Here at the end of all things, he’d finally found that elusive missing puzzle piece. The next few hours and days would see the galaxy ripped apart. It was highly probable that things would never return to the state they were in before the Reapers invaded. This final battle would dictate the fate of trillions, and Shepard couldn’t help but wish for more time.

 

He’d spent his whole life running from the aspirations that others had for him - his parents, Anderson. Even his crew, to an extent. It had taken Gabe years to grudgingly admit that his work as a soldier was more of a calling than a career and that he was really fucking good at it. He’d probably never tell his parents that. They’d only use it as an excuse to say, _I told you so_. It was enough for Shepard that he could admit it to himself, even if he still couldn’t quite bring himself to say that he enjoyed it. But he knew that he’d been chosen - by fate or sheer dumb luck - to be in this place, at this time, doing this job that no one in their right mind would ever want.

 

He’d fought all his life - against his parents, against the Alliance and the system that had honed him into the weapon that he was today. He’d never really had a chance to know what a peaceful life could feel like, and now it seemed it was an opportunity he’d never get.

 

If he let himself, he could imagine happy days and cozy evenings wrapped in Kaidan’s arms as they shared a life together. But all those dreams could do now were taunt him with things that could never be.

 

Life had been a series of victories and losses, successes and failures - service, honor, duty, but never happiness, ease, or joy. While he’d had fulfilling relationships in the past - friendships and romances alike - there had always been something missing. Like a key ingredient left out of one’s favorite recipe. It was almost as good as what you craved but never quite right.

 

Until Kaidan came along, he’d never known what that elusive ingredient was. Now he’d found the person his soul longed for and everything was set to end just a few short hours from now.

 

They had prepared as much as they could, but Shepard didn’t have enough faith to see this thing through. And there was no one he could tell. He needed some of the assurance that the crew, the Council, and Hackett seemed to have - that Shepard was the one to lead them to victory. That he was the _only one_ capable.

 

“It’s gonna be what it is,” Kaidan had said hours ago, but what if that wasn’t enough?

 

He’d painstakingly pulled together every able body, spacecraft, and weapon he could get his hands on, and still, it all came down to a roll of the dice. The galaxy had bet it all on him, and Shepard was convinced that they’d roll a big, fat goose egg.

 

He sighed again, and Kaidan shifted some more. Shepard soothed him by stroking his fingers gently along Kaidan’s powerful bicep.

 

As Kaidan settled back down, Shepard’s life began playing like a movie through his mind. All the stupid mistakes he’d made as a child and younger man. Every moment of doubt and weakness. Everything painfully laid out for his mind’s eye to obsess over. He contemplated each major life decision, wondering if he’d made this or that choice differently where his life would have taken him.

 

The good things in his life were slower to show themselves, his mind determined to focus on the negative, but gradually, he coaxed them out. Memories of beautiful places visited, incredible people he’d met along the way, people who’d helped him share the burdens of his soul. Though none of them had ever gone as far as the man currently resting in his arms.

 

His best memory by far was his date with Kaidan at Apollo’s. The slowly dawning realization that what he felt for Kaidan went beyond friendship, that he’d never entertained thoughts or feelings like this about any other man. It was only Kaidan.

 

Kaidan, who was gentle and patient and understanding. Kaidan, who, a few nights later, had opened his eyes to what it meant to make love to another man. Who’d proven to be a kind and considerate lover. Who’d taught him what do with a thoughtfulness that melted Shepard’s hard heart and an experienced touch that had taken Gabe to heights of pleasure he’d never known.

 

Tears stung his eyes as he watched the stars race by overhead.

 

Kaidan wasn’t perfect, but he was perfect for Shepard. It seemed a cruel twist of fate that life had waited until the end to give him this gift.

 

“Hey.” Kaidan’s voice was sleepy and deep, curling around Gabe’s already aching heart and nearly shattering it to pieces.

 

“Hey,” he replied, voice choked and hoarse. “Did I wake you?”

 

“You’re tense as hell,” Kaidan murmured. “It’s like sleeping on a steel plate.”

 

Shepard chuckled wryly. “Sorry. Go back to sleep. There’s still time.” He dropped another kiss on the man’s forehead.

 

“Have you slept at all?”

 

“Nah. Just… been thinking.”

 

“I can tell by the new lines in your forehead that it’s not good.”

 

“You think you know me so well.” Shepard grinned at him, his heart hammering away inside his chest. “Kaidan,” he whispered.

 

“Shh, Gabe… it’s gonna be okay.”

 

“Is it?”

 

“It has to be,” Kaidan said with authority. “If you want something badly enough, you don’t let anything stand in the way of achieving it.”

 

Shepard smiled. “I’m afraid this situation can’t be fixed by sheer determination, K.” He rubbed his eyes and sighed. “We need a fuckton of luck and maybe some divine intervention.”

 

“We don’t need those things, we have you.” Kaidan’s smile said he was teasing, but it hit Shepard square in the chest anyway.

 

“Wish I had your confidence in my abilities,” he whispered. He could feel the tears welling again, the trembling of his lip.

 

“Gabe,” Kaidan soothed. He leaned up on an elbow to gaze into Shepard’s eyes and cupped a cheek in his palm. “You’ve brought us this far. You made all this happen - the fleets, the resources for the Crucible - all through willpower and stubborn determination the likes of which I’ve never seen before.” Shepard cracked a small grin. “You’ll see this through, and I’ll be waiting on the other side.”

 

Their lips met in a sudden rush, Shepard rolling Kaidan onto his back. Fear and longing burned within his soul, and Shepard channeled them into frenetic energy as he licked and bit into Kaidan’s mouth. Life was a torrent of chaos driving him. Peace and happiness were slipping through his fingers, refusing to be captured, but he could have this. Here in this moment, he could have Kaidan - this one last beautiful, bright memory to see him through to the bitter end.

 

“Need you,”  he gasped as he ripped his mouth away from Kaidan’s and moved his lips over the prickly beginnings of a beard, along his jaw, down his throat.

 

“Take me then,” Kaidan whispered.  

 

Shepard snatched up the bottle of lube that still lay on the bed from their last go-round and shimmied his way down Kaidan’s luscious body. His tongue skimmed along Kaidan’s velvet skin weaving its way over all the most sensitive spots but not stopping long enough to bring either of them any sort of satisfaction.

 

Something akin to madness drove him, pushing him to claim Kaidan, to flush this frenzy from his veins before it left his heart in tatters. He popped the cap on the lube, spreading a significant amount around Kaidan’s hole before shoving a finger brutally inside. He didn’t want to hurt his lover, but the desperation he felt compelled him to move quickly.  At the same instant, he sucked Kaidan’s raging dick into his mouth, wincing at the tart, bitter flavor from where he’d been inside of Gabe mere hours before.

 

Kaidan groaned, calling Gabe’s name softly, grinding his ass down for more friction as if he could sense the urgency coursing through Shepard’s blood. “Another,” he gasped, and Shepard obliged him, sliding a second finger in to join the first as he tongued the head of Kaidan’s dick, lapping at the sweet fluid now steadily drizzling out. Angling his fingers just so, he pressed hard against Kaidan’s prostate. Kaidan had praised him for a quick study, and he hummed in delight as the other man lurched violently off the bed, gripping the sheets with white fists.

 

“Ready,” Kaidan moaned. “So ready.”

 

Shepard didn’t even pause to double check. If Kaidan said he was ready, then Gabe trusted him. “Turn over,” he said gruffly as he slicked his cock and waited for Kaidan to present his ass.

 

When his lover was braced before him on hands and knees, Shepard took a moment to rest his forehead in the small of the man’s back, pressing a gentle kiss to the base of his spine as he gripped his hips too tightly.

 

“Take what you need, Gabe,” Kaidan said softly, and that was all the encouragement Shepard needed.

 

Lining up, he sheathed himself quickly into Kaidan’s welcoming body, grimacing as the man cried out briefly at the pain. “Sorry,” he murmured.

 

“It’s okay,” Kaidan panted. “Just… just give me a second.”

 

Shepard struggled to hold himself back, hands kneading roughly into the smooth flesh of Kaidan’s ass cheeks as he waited. Black thoughts continued to plague him as he fought for control. He needed them gone. He needed a light in the darkness to focus on, to cling to.

 

At Kaidan’s nod, Gabe reared back and punched his hips forward, forcing himself to into the here and now. All his focus moved to the feel of Kaidan’s tight channel gripping him fiercely, pushing the shadows away. The misery in his soul began to ebb as he watched his cock shuttle in and out of Kaidan, and the wretchedness that he’d wallowed in all night was finally replaced by warmth.

 

The heat spread from the center of his chest, tickling through his body, down his arms and legs to his fingers and toes. Words poured from his lips - wishes, dreams, and hopes for the future, a future where they could be happy and free, and more importantly, together. “I don’t want this to be the end,” he murmured, collapsing onto Kaidan’s back and wrapping his arms around the man as tight as they would go while continuing to thrust into him at a more languid pace.

 

Tears leaked from his eyes, dripping down to Kaidan’s skin and rolling over the man’s shoulder. Kaidan cooed at him, words of reassurance and hope and desperate, all-consuming love. Shepard drank them down, a balm for his soul-deep wounds, and the love that he felt for the man beneath him was all the light, all the hope he would ever need.

 

He slowly pulled out and whispered for Kaidan to roll over. Gently he slid back inside, kissing Kaidan leisurely and deep. They murmured assurances and promises as their bodies rolled together, two become one in the most perfect way. Whether or not they’d be able to keep those promises remained to be seen, but they soothed Shepard in a way that nothing else ever could.

 

They kept their kisses light, their movements languid, in striking contrast to the frenzy of moments before. Now, suddenly, Shepard didn’t want this moment to end. It became less about burning away his sorrow and frustration and more about clinging to this connection with everything he possessed.

 

“Touch me,” Kaidan pleaded, testing Shepard’s resolve to draw out this encounter.

 

Gabe obliged him with feather-light caresses that seemed to frustrate more than satisfy. Shepard smiled at him, his heart swelling with affection. Pressing his thumb into the slit of Kaidan’s dick, he rolled his hips forward, savoring the burst of pre-come and the low, rumbling groan.

 

“Gabe… not gonna last.”

 

Shepard thrust in short, firm strokes, knowing he’d hit the mark when Kaidan’s groans grew louder accompanied by his eyes rolling back in his head. “Come for me, K,” he murmured, lightly circling the head of Kaidan’s dick with his fingertips.

 

Kaidan tensed beneath him, throwing his head back with a gasp. Gabe kissed him, drinking down his moans. Kaidan’s release spread between them, pulling him into oblivion, too. They lay trembling in each other’s arms for several long minutes before Shepard suggested they take a shower and try to get a bit more sleep.

 

They stood under the warm spray of the shower, holding each other tightly, neither ready to let go, to say goodbye, to leave the safety they’d created for themselves. Neither said anything as they washed each other gently. Nothing more needed to be said.

 

After drying off and changing the sheets, they crawled back into bed, wrapping up in each other’s arms once again. Overcome by emotional and physical exhaustion, Shepard began to drift off, dreading the nightmare he knew was coming.  

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is slightly different for me. The ambiguous ending isn't typically my thing, but I felt this story warranted it. And if you're like me, you can insert the happy ending of your choice now! ;)
> 
> Thanks for reading! Hope you enjoyed it! 
> 
> Much love,  
> Elle


End file.
